Okay, let’s be honest — we’ve all been there. One minute, you’re chatting normally. The next, you feel stuck in a talk that slowly drips poison and hurts your self-esteem. It leaves you feeling regretful, drained, sad, and yucky and can be incredibly destructive for your mental health. Welcome to the world of toxic communication. However, you can learn how to spot and protect yourself from it to create a more fulfilling life. So, grab your metaphorical helmet and let’s dive in!
Spotting The Red Flags: What Toxic Communication Looks Like In The Wild
Toxic communication isn’t just about a disagreement. Passive aggression is a way of interacting. It involves using the silent treatment, backhanded compliments, and constant criticism. People use these tactics to express negative feelings like frustration or anger. This makes toxic communication so dangerous – it may be hard to spot since it might initially seem appealing. Here are some classic signs you’re dealing with poisonous vibes:
1. Constant criticism
Offering constructive feedback is one thing, but toxic communicators always find fault. Nothing you do is ever good enough. Someone keeps highlighting your flaws, whether they’re real or not. This makes communication feel like a constant flow of negativity. A toxic phrase of this type can sound like: “You’re always doing this.”
2. Gaslighting
A gaslighting tactic is one of the particularly destructive patterns in toxic communication. A gaslighter tries to make you doubt your perception of reality by twisting your words or denying things you know happened. For example, a person who 100% said something can say: “I never said that! You’re making things up. You always twist my words!”. Then, you start questioning your memory. Ab intentionally harmful tactics, gaslighting involves an intent to control another person.
3. Passive-aggressive comments
People often show anger and resentment through sarcasm, irony, and subtle jabs. They may skip being direct or use passive-aggressive tactics instead. This is how they create more negativity and drama in communication and show their disrespect.
4. Belittling
When a person is belittling you, you feel unimportant. Typical examples of belittling phrases are “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.” Or a person assumes it was just a joke after saying something disrespectful and hurtful to you.
5. Silent treatment & changing the subject
People usually use these manipulative tactics to get others to do what they want. For example, you bring up a serious issue. A manipulator ignores you and goes back to what they were doing, like reading a book, listening to music, or enjoying sports betting. Or, someone might quickly change the topic to dodge responsibility. This makes the conversation unproductive.
As you can see, all these tactics generally disregard other people’s boundaries, opinions, needs, and feelings.
Other toxic patterns include:
- Constantly interrupting
- One-sided conversations
- Guilt-tripping
- Controlling behavior
- Blame-shifting
What To Do When Someone’s Consistently Putting You Down
Let’s say you’re talking to someone, and they start gaslighting or making you feel small. First, you must acknowledge that the person is gaslighting or belittling you. Saying it out loud, even to yourself, can help you take control of the situation and not take it personally. Try calmly pointing a light right at one’s toxic behavior when possible.
Let the person know you won’t tolerate being spoken to that way without being dragged into a communicative fight. For example, you can say: “Please don’t talk to me like that,” or “I’m happy to talk when we can both be respectful.” Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to create physical and emotional distance from the toxic person. This might mean limiting contact, ending the relationship, or spending less time with them.
If you can’t entirely avoid someone (like if it’s your coworker or family member), try the “grey rock” method. It’s exactly what it sounds like — don’t react emotionally and try to be as uninteresting as a grey rock. Whether you can entirely avoid the toxic person, stay grounded in your reality. Keep a journal, talk to trusted friends or family members, and remind yourself of what you know to be true. Remember that one’s toxic behavior reflects the poisonous person’s insecurities and issues.
